Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Humor Master by Hanzo

Background:

This is a short 3 minutes humor speech by champion speaker Hanzo when he assumed the role of Humor Master during one of the meetings.

Actual Speech:

I was surprised Nancy called and asked me to be the Humor Master today, because it is the perfect time to make fun of myself… I have a lot to say… after this new hair cut!

Look, what do you see? An army men or an egg? I ask you to be imaginative, so don’t just see a handsome bald guy, but an army men or an egg.

The story started with this barber. Since I am a cheapskate, I went to a cheap barber. Imagine me spending 30 bucks on a haircut, doesn’t make sense does it? I should pay less because the amount of work they take to cut my hair is so much lesser than the rest! Like him.

So I went into this barber shop and sat down, the lady came over. It’s a lady so it’s not an Indian barber shop ok. She came over and ask me what style do I want. Hello! Lady! Do I have a lot of choice? Just trim it ok and I specifically told her do no cut it too short. She said ok. And you think men don’t listen.

So I closed my eyes and relax. You know the feeling when you go to a massage. You just want to relax. With my eyes closed, I heard the sound of scissors cutting my hair. I opened my hairs and Oh My God!

The rest is history.

You know, when ever I walk down the streets now, beautiful gorgeous women smile at me. It would be nice if that’s true. People who smile at me are normally, the bald guys. It’s like giving me a signal, welcome to the group. I know how you feel.

They say if you are bald in front you think a lot. If you are bald behind you are sexy. If you are bald front and back, then you think you are sexy.

By, Hanzo Ng

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I don’t get it

Background:
Champion speaker Hanzo Ng tickles with a funny speech design to win the Humor Contest 2006.

Actual Speech:

Contest chair, fellow judges, Ladies and Roughman, I mean Gentleman, this is my latest girlfriend. Absolutely gorgeous isn’t she? Has it ever cross your mind what on earth is such a beautiful women doing with a bald guy like me? I don’t get it.

I guess the saying tells it all. It goes ‘beauty and the beast’.

They say finding someone to love is tough. Some say keeping that person is even tougher. I agree absolutely. That’s why women break up with me so much.

Well, I’ve been into a ‘few’ relationships. But before even I begin a relationship, I have to date a lot of women. Throughout the process, I’ve learned many things.

One of the biggest things that I’ve learned is women put up their best behaviors when you first date them. And then after a year, what happens? They miraculously change! I don’t get it.

It’s like an angel appeared from no where and hit her on the head with her magic wand and say, ‘reveal yourself’ and *poof* out comes the real she.

When my girl friend and I started dating, I brought her to this nice restaurant to wine and dine. The way she eats is so gentle, so… seductive…. so…. classy. But after the angel hits her head with the magic wand, guess what? She changed!

Right now, she sticks her fingers into the chicken and tears it apart like a lion tearing its prey. Besides the fact that she took my beloved drumstick, she eats like this.

With her mouth open, widely chewing the drumstick so loudly to let the world know she is actually enjoying her meal! And once a while she will ask me, while eating the drumstick, do you want some? My girl friend’s name is Catherine, apparently the Cat is now a Wild Cat. I don’t get it.

My friends say Catherine is very beautiful. And beautiful women does beautiful things right? Taking care of her skin, meaning face, is one of these beautiful things. How?

Firstly, she has a cleanser, then a scrub, they call it exfoliant, exfoliant.. don’t you like the word? She also has a toner, and a moisturizer. Men, especially single men, I know you have no idea what I am talking about but bear with me ok. She also has a night cream, day cream, afternoon cream. Under the sun cream. Under the moon light cream (women’s thinking, you never know what’s going to happen to their face!).

Don’t be surprised, because she also has a walk into an air-con room cream and sit in the car while driving cream. Ladies and gentleman, I don’t get it.

In a relationship, sometimes you want to get agreements. Men can’t just decide for both parties all the time. So I ask Catherine, dear what do you want to eat? Aha! Men, I know you have also asked this question before, and it almost gave you a heart attack didn’t it? This is how it normally goes.
Dear, what do you want to eat?
Oh I’m fine with anything, why don’t you choose?
Alright, let’s eat Nasi Lemak.
Nasi Lemak? Oh, I think it’s too oily.
Well, let’s have curry fish head then?
Curry fish head? Oh, it’s too spicy.
Hey! You said you are fine with anything? Why don’t you choose instead? Feeling abit agitated.
Oh no, you should choose because you are the man, you are the real man.

You know what ladies and gentleman, reality is, she has already fixed her mind to what she wants to eat the moment I ask her. But she just won’t tell me. Women like to play mental torturing games with men. They like men to guess what’s in their mind. Ladies, we men don’t get it ok…

The game continues. I said, Spanish? She goes don’t want… Mexican? Don’t want… without even eating spicy food, my blood pressure goes up... Japanese? Don’t want… Indian? Don’t want… Pizza?

Oh pizza? Well, since you want to eat pizza, let’s go eat pizza lo! Ladies and gentleman, I don’t get it.

You know the world’s statistics shows generally men have shorter lives than women. I guess I know why.

With all my experience in relationships, if you ask me, Hanzo, why do women behave the way they do, how well do you understand women?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I still… don’t get it. Thank you.

By, Hanzo Ng

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Fear

Background:

Designed for the 2006 division contest, Hanzo Ng shows us why he is master speaker...

Actual Speech:

His body was shaking. His legs were trembling. His face looks absolutely terrified. He mumbled to himself, “Will they like my story?”, “What if I fail to pronounce (kollectly) correctly?”, “What if they laugh at me?”

It was his first assignment. He is required to present a story in front of the class. At the age of 7, the experience was dreadful. As he began his presentation, he heard giggling coming from the back of the room. He sweats. At the middle of his presentation, the class erupted with laughter, he stops. He looks down at his pants and to his surprise, it’s all wet.

Contest chair, honorable judges, fellow toastmasters and friends who have ever ‘pee pee’ in your pants before,

That 7 year old boy was me. Was… me. That means I was a little smaller, a little thinner and on top of my head, there is hair.

Ladies and gentleman, we don’t FEAR the thing we FEAR. I FEARED the consequences. At that point in time, I didn’t FEAR the assignment. I didn’t FEAR the presentation. What I FEARED, was what people thought of me if I failed.

I went bungee jumping 2 years ago. Bungee jumping is a word that immediately triggers FEAR doesn’t it?

Do I fear bungee jumping? No I don’t. What I fear is, if I bungee jump from 60ft above ground, and the rope that ties my leg breaks; I fall flat to the ground, smashing myself to pieces and from then on, I will not have any chance to eat pizza, chocolate or durian ever again! That’s what I fear. So in reality, we actually FEAR the bad consequences that would happen to us and not the thing we FEAR itself.

Because F…E...A...R..., FEAR means False Expectations Appearing Real.

It is the thing we imagine, that makes it scary. That stops us. That holds us back. And after years of studying the techniques and finding ideas to break through FEAR, I realized the best way to do so… is… through KNOWLEDGE plus EXPERIENCE.

KNOWLEDGE… means we know what’s going to happen. Here’s something most of us FEAR. Table topics! In my club, if the table topics master does not disclose the topic and ask for a volunteer, all of a sudden we need to reply our SMS, or we need to tie our shoes, or the need to dash to the toilet.

Why? Because we do not have the KNOWLEDGE of what the topic is going to be. We fear because we thought the topic is going to be, “how to understand women?” We all know Men will not be able to answer that! And women will not answer that!

But it is proven, if the topic is disclosed, there will be more volunteers to attempt the topic. Because we already have the information, the knowledge of what’s going to happen…. Therefore risk is minimized. When risk is minimized, danger is minimized. And when danger is minimized, FEAR is minimized. After knowledge… we need…

EXPERIENCE. Experience comes from doing. I am a martial artist and I do sparring… fighting in the class. Initially, it was very scary, because I do not have the KNOWLEDGE of what’s going to happen. But the more I do it, the better I get at it. As a result it gives me confidence. With confidence, it’s no longer scary. No more fear.

KNOWLEDGE, means having the information to know what’s going to happen.
EXPERIENCE, gives us confidence because it confirms our knowledge of what’s going to happen.
Together, they give us power to break through FEAR.

Since I realized this truth, I’ve done sky diving, bungee jumping and raising my hand for table topics.

Ladies and Gentleman, the word FEAR is written on this board. I have the KNOWLEDGE that this board will not break my hand and for the rest of my life causing me to write emails with my foot.

I have the EXPERIENCE of doing this numerous times in my martial art classes; therefore there is no fear at all in breaking through this FEAR board.

I know if I do not breakthrough FEAR, I’ll be slave to FEAR. I must bring up the power within me to control my life and not let FEAR control me.

If we realize, aware and consciously gather KNOWLEDGE and EXPERIENCE, we will easily… break through FEAR.

(Breaks board)

Ladies and gentleman, today, I broke through FEAR, completed my presentation, and the good news is, there isn’t any ‘pee pee’ in my pants.

Contest chair!

By, Hanzo Ng

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Executive Commitee Term 2006/2007

Executive Committee Members:

President: Nancy Liew Peik Wan, CL

Vice President of Education: Jack Leong, CTM

Vice President of Membership: Calvin Lim, CTM

Vice President of Public Relations: Yap Chean Sheong

Secretary: Johnson Yike, CTM

Treasurer: Ooi Li Ann

Sergeant at Arms: Aldern Ong

Immediate Past President: Allen Kam, ATMB, CL

Sub-Committee Members:

- Eugene Ng, CTM
- Philip Lim
- Bavesh Kotari