Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I don’t get it

Background:
Champion speaker Hanzo Ng tickles with a funny speech design to win the Humor Contest 2006.

Actual Speech:

Contest chair, fellow judges, Ladies and Roughman, I mean Gentleman, this is my latest girlfriend. Absolutely gorgeous isn’t she? Has it ever cross your mind what on earth is such a beautiful women doing with a bald guy like me? I don’t get it.

I guess the saying tells it all. It goes ‘beauty and the beast’.

They say finding someone to love is tough. Some say keeping that person is even tougher. I agree absolutely. That’s why women break up with me so much.

Well, I’ve been into a ‘few’ relationships. But before even I begin a relationship, I have to date a lot of women. Throughout the process, I’ve learned many things.

One of the biggest things that I’ve learned is women put up their best behaviors when you first date them. And then after a year, what happens? They miraculously change! I don’t get it.

It’s like an angel appeared from no where and hit her on the head with her magic wand and say, ‘reveal yourself’ and *poof* out comes the real she.

When my girl friend and I started dating, I brought her to this nice restaurant to wine and dine. The way she eats is so gentle, so… seductive…. so…. classy. But after the angel hits her head with the magic wand, guess what? She changed!

Right now, she sticks her fingers into the chicken and tears it apart like a lion tearing its prey. Besides the fact that she took my beloved drumstick, she eats like this.

With her mouth open, widely chewing the drumstick so loudly to let the world know she is actually enjoying her meal! And once a while she will ask me, while eating the drumstick, do you want some? My girl friend’s name is Catherine, apparently the Cat is now a Wild Cat. I don’t get it.

My friends say Catherine is very beautiful. And beautiful women does beautiful things right? Taking care of her skin, meaning face, is one of these beautiful things. How?

Firstly, she has a cleanser, then a scrub, they call it exfoliant, exfoliant.. don’t you like the word? She also has a toner, and a moisturizer. Men, especially single men, I know you have no idea what I am talking about but bear with me ok. She also has a night cream, day cream, afternoon cream. Under the sun cream. Under the moon light cream (women’s thinking, you never know what’s going to happen to their face!).

Don’t be surprised, because she also has a walk into an air-con room cream and sit in the car while driving cream. Ladies and gentleman, I don’t get it.

In a relationship, sometimes you want to get agreements. Men can’t just decide for both parties all the time. So I ask Catherine, dear what do you want to eat? Aha! Men, I know you have also asked this question before, and it almost gave you a heart attack didn’t it? This is how it normally goes.
Dear, what do you want to eat?
Oh I’m fine with anything, why don’t you choose?
Alright, let’s eat Nasi Lemak.
Nasi Lemak? Oh, I think it’s too oily.
Well, let’s have curry fish head then?
Curry fish head? Oh, it’s too spicy.
Hey! You said you are fine with anything? Why don’t you choose instead? Feeling abit agitated.
Oh no, you should choose because you are the man, you are the real man.

You know what ladies and gentleman, reality is, she has already fixed her mind to what she wants to eat the moment I ask her. But she just won’t tell me. Women like to play mental torturing games with men. They like men to guess what’s in their mind. Ladies, we men don’t get it ok…

The game continues. I said, Spanish? She goes don’t want… Mexican? Don’t want… without even eating spicy food, my blood pressure goes up... Japanese? Don’t want… Indian? Don’t want… Pizza?

Oh pizza? Well, since you want to eat pizza, let’s go eat pizza lo! Ladies and gentleman, I don’t get it.

You know the world’s statistics shows generally men have shorter lives than women. I guess I know why.

With all my experience in relationships, if you ask me, Hanzo, why do women behave the way they do, how well do you understand women?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I still… don’t get it. Thank you.

By, Hanzo Ng